Grey Shades

This post was lying in my draft since before Fearless was born. Posting this with a few edits. When I was single and my friends weren't, I used to always wonder, seeing them talk for hours on end on the phone with their respective beloveds, what on earth did they talk for so long and so much. When I asked them​,​ all they said was, ​"​​You will understand when its your time​"​. I found my beloved all right but we both never really spoke on the phone. Even when we met face to face, there wasn't really anything much to talk about. And I still wonder when people talk so much on the phone - what do they talk so much? Once in a blue moon, ok, I understand. But everyday, three times a day, for hours together?!! Guess I'll never know. Moving on to the "controversial" topic which this post is actually about. I was part of a joint family in my early childhood and one of the best things I enjoyed was looking after my younger cousins from their infancy to todd...

Read about my pregnancy , childbirth – part 1 , childbirth – part 2 ,  the days after , the confinement period and what happened once back in Bangalore . The following is the last post in this series. Finally! Phew!! :P :D  If left to decide for myself if I have really been away from my blog that long, I would say, “No, not really”. But then I only need to look at my son to realize how much time has really passed since I last updated. I am still writing about him when he was 6 months old. He is almost 3.5 years old now. Seriously, I need to move on. There are so many things I want to write about… So I’ll just breeze forward the past 3 years. We moved to Nobo Nagar off Bannerghatta Road this time. This move to Nobo Nagar wasn’t exactly planned, as in, we had no idea about this place. Turned out there are a lot of GSBs here. I was a little skeptical when I got to know about it. If you are wondering why I should be skeptical about the fact since I am a GSB too, well, the an...

Read about my pregnancy , childbirth – part 1 , childbirth – part 2 ,  the days after  and the confinement period . Once  back  home, my mind seemed to be a lot calmer. I was finally breathing, and not fuming. I was looking at, not looking through, people. And if anyone were to ask for some solid proof about it, I had only my baby to show. Within a week, he got as plump as could be. It was an amazing transformation, a visible proof for my state of mind.  One of the first things I did after coming home was (no, not gmail/facebook) check my weight with all the courage I could muster ;). Having gained 18 kgs during my pregnancy, I was curious to know how much of it I had lost and how much I had kept. I was relieved to know that I was only about 4 kgs heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. Which was enough to make me happy, even if for a short while. As I tried some of my clothes, happiness turned to disappointment; I could not fit into any of my earli...

Read about my pregnancy , childbirth – part 1 , childbirth – part 2 and the days after .  Try as I might, I am not able to write about the confinement period. It is much too painful. I am still filled with hatred and disgust for some of the people in my life. Rather than have it all spill over onto my blog, I preferred to stay silent. After all this while, mentally and emotionally, I still haven't healed. I did think I would get over it, but I haven't. From the outside, it looks like I have moved on. Inside I am in pieces. And some relationships are no longer as they were before my baby arrived. Or rather I should say, I no longer have the illusions that I had, about certain people. Everything shines with a clarity which was hereto unknown to me. Or I should say, I refused to see. I do not want to dwell on the negatives any more. Hence moving on... Once back from the hospital I was left with my baby and myself. For 4 days I was the sole caregiver for my baby- nursing, cha...

Read about my pregnancy , childbirth – part 1 and childbirth – part 2 . Day 1 (the day of the delivery, Monday, 27 Feb, 2012) Back in the room, I tried to make Ashwin hold the baby. I had given him enough training with my life-size baby doll at home. Some of my friends were also kind enough to trust Ashwin with their babies. But all these went down the drain; he refused to hold the baby. Fear was written all over his face. So I gave up and he just kept hovering around instead. I did not want to use the Indian toilet after delivery. I was scared of the stitches coming apart. Since we did not have a western toilet in our house, it was decided months ago to use the in-laws’ new house instead of making any adjustments in our place. In-laws were shifting in June and since the new house would be empty until then, it could be used for the confinement period. The shifting was planned for later that week but since the baby came early it had to be done before I was discharged from the ho...

Read about my pregnancy and Childbirth – Part 1 . Monday Feb 27, 2012. The day must have been beautiful but I was in too much pain to either notice or appreciate. It was the third day (Chandramandal) of Bantwal Teru. I messaged my manager that my maternity leave may be considered from that day. Ashwin got ready to go home to freshen up saying he’ll come at 11:00 or so. I nagged him not to waste time in front of the TV and to come back as soon as he possibly could because I wanted him near me at the time of delivery. Just as mom came with breakfast – chapathi, dal and coffee – Ashwin left. The contractions were now coming in a pattern. As for breakfast, I could not eat even one half of the chapathi for in between I felt the urge to throw up. When I was back after doing the deed, mom was asking if I did not like the curry. Duh !! Seriously, my mom has the knack of annoying the hell out anyone. I tried to sleep but it was impossible. It was too painful to sleep on the left side du...