Grey Shades

Read about my pregnancy , childbirth – part 1 , childbirth – part 2 ,  the days after  and the confinement period . Once  back  home, my mind seemed to be a lot calmer. I was finally breathing, and not fuming. I was looking at, not looking through, people. And if anyone were to ask for some solid proof about it, I had only my baby to show. Within a week, he got as plump as could be. It was an amazing transformation, a visible proof for my state of mind.  One of the first things I did after coming home was (no, not gmail/facebook) check my weight with all the courage I could muster ;). Having gained 18 kgs during my pregnancy, I was curious to know how much of it I had lost and how much I had kept. I was relieved to know that I was only about 4 kgs heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. Which was enough to make me happy, even if for a short while. As I tried some of my clothes, happiness turned to disappointment; I could not fit into any of my earli...

Read about my pregnancy , childbirth – part 1 , childbirth – part 2 and the days after .  Try as I might, I am not able to write about the confinement period. It is much too painful. I am still filled with hatred and disgust for some of the people in my life. Rather than have it all spill over onto my blog, I preferred to stay silent. After all this while, mentally and emotionally, I still haven't healed. I did think I would get over it, but I haven't. From the outside, it looks like I have moved on. Inside I am in pieces. And some relationships are no longer as they were before my baby arrived. Or rather I should say, I no longer have the illusions that I had, about certain people. Everything shines with a clarity which was hereto unknown to me. Or I should say, I refused to see. I do not want to dwell on the negatives any more. Hence moving on... Once back from the hospital I was left with my baby and myself. For 4 days I was the sole caregiver for my baby- nursing, cha...

Read about my pregnancy , childbirth – part 1 and childbirth – part 2 . Day 1 (the day of the delivery, Monday, 27 Feb, 2012) Back in the room, I tried to make Ashwin hold the baby. I had given him enough training with my life-size baby doll at home. Some of my friends were also kind enough to trust Ashwin with their babies. But all these went down the drain; he refused to hold the baby. Fear was written all over his face. So I gave up and he just kept hovering around instead. I did not want to use the Indian toilet after delivery. I was scared of the stitches coming apart. Since we did not have a western toilet in our house, it was decided months ago to use the in-laws’ new house instead of making any adjustments in our place. In-laws were shifting in June and since the new house would be empty until then, it could be used for the confinement period. The shifting was planned for later that week but since the baby came early it had to be done before I was discharged from the ho...

Read about my pregnancy and Childbirth – Part 1 . Monday Feb 27, 2012. The day must have been beautiful but I was in too much pain to either notice or appreciate. It was the third day (Chandramandal) of Bantwal Teru. I messaged my manager that my maternity leave may be considered from that day. Ashwin got ready to go home to freshen up saying he’ll come at 11:00 or so. I nagged him not to waste time in front of the TV and to come back as soon as he possibly could because I wanted him near me at the time of delivery. Just as mom came with breakfast – chapathi, dal and coffee – Ashwin left. The contractions were now coming in a pattern. As for breakfast, I could not eat even one half of the chapathi for in between I felt the urge to throw up. When I was back after doing the deed, mom was asking if I did not like the curry. Duh !! Seriously, my mom has the knack of annoying the hell out anyone. I tried to sleep but it was impossible. It was too painful to sleep on the left side du...

Read about my pregnancy experience here . It was Saturday, the 25th of February, marking the first day of Bantwal Teru of 2012. Ashwin was in town and had gone to attend the pooja in Bantwal with his father. I had decided not to go since I knew it would be too tiring to travel and spend so much time amidst the crowd. I was all of 38 weeks pregnant then. Moreover I had a bit of discomfort the previous day with pain all over my body and I did not want to risk anything. Perhaps to not go was one of the better decisions I took in a long while. Because at around 3:00 PM in the afternoon I started experiencing mild pain all around my tummy. From all the friends and relatives I knew this was contraction – the pain was shooting upwards from the lower tummy and was unlike any other pain I had experienced before. I disregarded it as false labor because as per the doctor I still had a few more days to go. Moreover from what I heard/read, babies when it was time for them to arrive, their activi...